Thursday, July 1, 2010
Last night i had my first modern class in close to 5 months, and i knew i'd lost it. Even though i was always randomly dancing in my house, but i never really practised the basics, and it all showed yesterday. The greatest tell tale sign was my chaines, i couldnt even do my right chaines when it used to be an ease and then for the rest of the night, everything didn't feel right.
But the biggest difference me now and me then , was that instead of being really demoralised i actually got excited, scared still but i was prepared to start all over rather than beat myself up. My notion of thoughts just changed.
On my way back alone i was thinking, and i realised it's been a new start for me, not just for dance but for life. The picking up the pieces part has already passed, I'm now out of the hole and it's up to me to stay out of it. It seems unbeliveable to some; these train of events but if you had been by my side through the tandem of times and thoughts, it would have made a whole lot of sense.
Year one in poly was like a rediscovery stage, i finally had freedom that I've been craving for years. In primary school and in secondary school, I did what i was told to do, confined to the regimented expectations of those around me; I wasn't allowed to think for myself, and i dint have an identity. I was who everyone expected me to be. I aced my studies but i had no life. I wasn't able to build many strong friendships because all i did was study, dance, straight home, study, repeat. Any free time i had, i wanted for myself, to get away from the madness of the rest of the week. And it just went on. When i finally graduated, it was with a 9 point R5, a far cry from what i expected despite my hardwork. I left bitter and dejected and believing that i'd never amount to anything.
I never had much of an esteem , the way i was brought up by my grandma. Second or third was never enough, and when i stopped being first, i was no longer enough. After o levels my esteem plummeted even further. It seemed like the work hard formula stopped working, and it was now etched in my head that hardwork doesnt always bring success and i stopped believing in myself. I started to fear studying, each time i picked up my notes, i'll always be reminded of those 12 hour study days when i shut out the whole world, and it was just me and my books. Those were days when i was living but barely feeling anything, i was either down or blank.
I'd never forget that first PIPC quiz i had that i spent the whole night studying for and eventually broke down because i couldn't get it, it was only the third week and we were only on our second topic and that quiz barely held much percentage. That was the day i realized i had cracked but continued to live in denial that i could do it. I didn't solve the problem, i wasnt programmed to do it, i merely pushed it all aside.
That's when the first year started to turn haywire. I finally had the freedom from report cards from curfews from all the stress and i could choose. Naturally i chose the way that made me happier, i chose to relax and stopped pushing myself. It didn't help that the influences in my life werent positive, i was still living hard to please someone. Even when i was no longer happy, i still continued, because that was what i was always told to do. To think of others before self, to keep my emotions to myself, to follow what I've been told to do. I wasn't able to think what was best for myself, there wasn't a regiment anymore, i let go.
But this was also the year that i discovered a far lot more about myself, i stared becoming more social, i wanted to make up for all those years lost in school. I set up my first blogshop, and did everything from scratch myself without the help of anyone and i started dancing. Yet whatever i did, i was always scared, afraid to deal with another failure. I had been exposed to the adult world since young, seeing the ugly side of adults, seeing how wrong decisions can screw up your family, but when you're that young looking into the world of adulthood, you pick up things, you try and understand but you never truely understand the physics behind the way of life. That i feel was one of the greatest failing in my life, that i failed to realise the lack of guidance in my life. And i went along.
A year passed, nothing remarkably special, nothing exceptionally outstanding nothing painfully bad. I had gotten past one year, safe.
Then the second year of poly, i made the first decision to have a shot at happiness, it wasn't right but it made me happy and i no longer wanted to lie. I did what i did, and that one little choice turned out to be one of the worst i could make, yet now it has turned into a blessing.
That was the year i let go totally, i left my life behind. I didn't know what happened to my friends, i didn't know what happened to my dance, I didn't know what happened to my studies and most importantly, i didn't know what happened to me.
It was like i jumped out of the pan and into the fire. A fire far worse. When you don't have a strong frame of mind, the worst thing you could do is be around people who would break your spirit, intentionally or unintentionally, one way or another. I guess that was the year my spirit broke. All i was doing was getting by, any glimpse of passion i once had was all gone and i lived to get by, lost as can be.
That year actually feels surreal to me sometimes, sometimes i find it hard to believe that a year back, that was me living my life. I get mixed up with events, my time perception got a bit screwed up and it's hard to believe how quickly time has gone by now. That was a seriously, fucking terrible year.
But things started to pick up right at the end. When one door closes on you, another one always opens up. I chose to close that one door, because i've had enough. And i opened myself up to people again, that would be one of the best decisions i did to end off the year. To rid myself of negativity and start afresh. Six months forward to the present, and i know i was right.
The past 6 months feel like some form of emotional rehab, by the end of the previous year, i was at an all time low in everyway possible, i had lost everything in that span of two years and my spirit was more broken than ever. And what i had to get back was my right frame of mind. I had to set my thinking right then set the rest of my things back on track.
And now, my life is at it's first page again. I'm looking at dance like i first learnt it, going back to basics, being aware of details, my body, learning to feel than just do. My studies are picking up, i wont graduate with fabulous results but at least i know i did my best in my last year. And one other reason is that i never want to be looked down upon by another again. As for my dreams (: I'm slowly but surely making my way somewhere. Kohl and rouge is new as can be, and things havent been going well but i'll continue to keep at it.
If anyone even reads to this point, WOW.
Feels like an emotional prep talk to myself to go on trackback of all the events, but now that i'm finally out, i can finally write about it and feel better (: