I'm not alone, but i felt alone today. Friend after friend who came up with a hug telling me it'll all be alright, guess their dear sparrow wasn't as chirpy as usual. I'm free now and i've told myself to go out and have some fun, to numb that ache. That's what i tell the world, that's what i remind myself, but it doesn't comfort me. It's all for novelty sake. If i had a choice, I would choose otherwise.
I ask myself, every night, countless of times, each incident after another... why does it all go the same way? Why does being nice to someone all the time mean you get taken for granted? Why does expecting lesser mean that you get lesser? Why cant people love you the way you are, instead of making you change to fit their mould? Why do they earn your trust and throw it all away? Why do you allow yourself to be so vulnerable? Why do you feel you're never good enough?
I used to wish for someone who could answer those questions for me, but now, I'll leave it as it is, I think a break is good. I always wondered why love in the relationship sense meant so much to me. Then i figured out, maybe it's because I've never seen that kinda love work in my family. It's like a chronic hereditary disease whereby marriages, just fail. And it doesn't help when you grow up having your mum and your grandma tell you ' don't trust anyone, don't ever rely on a man '. It just constantly feeds your cynicism about love yet you so wish you could be the one in the family to prove them wrong.
I have big dreams, I'm not the kind of person who could be content being average. Money's on my mind all the time, i want to see the world, i want to never have to worry about money, i want to have what i never had and i want to make it out on my own. But i know that at the end of the day, i don't want to be alone. I still want to be with that one special person who would be right by my side till the end. I want the warmth from a happy family, a family of my own.
But until that day comes, until that one person who walks right in and never has to answer that sea of questions but rather take them all away... my left rib is going to be bare (: That's how much love means to me. That one day when i finally know i'm there, it will be on me. For now, it's time to fill up my back ! And to dance and earn some fucking cash ;)
and here's love to the greatest brother in the world.