So... I have ditched my lil moleskin for a bit now because my posts in there are pretty-fucking-sad. Since no one is going to read my diary safe for my boyfriend with my permission, it gets to the core of whatever crazy emotions I experience, which sometimes makes me even sadder like WHY THE FUCK AM I CONFIDING IN THIS BLACK BOOK WHICH WOULD NOT RESPOND.
Then again, that is exactly why i am always 'talking' to my diary, simply because it doesn't respond. I don't have to go through the arduous notions of digging through my memories and shovelling through my emotions to bring out the essence of whateverthefuckisbotheringme to put it down piece by piece to my confidante and hope for a complete form of comprehension. When their response makes me realise that they missed the point, i feel like a complete gawking idiot .But it isn't her/his/their fault... I'm just terrible at expressing myself through speech. Which makes it worse because if i feel so strongly for something that i actually need to confide in someone and i fail... it just doesn't do justice to the emotions.
That said, I'm still awfully thankful to those around me who bother to listen to my awkward ramblings. Awkward because I'm not just stumbling on my words, I'm also trying to supress my emotions so my confidantes don't have to worry about comforting a bawling emotional wreck.
and also this....
Sometimes i find sharing problems a complete waste of time, not because the other person's an ass, but rather the fact that you have to have to dig through all that emotions and mess again to relate it to them. Everything bad ends up manifesting and you feel worse having to relive it all over again, and then you think " would it have been better if i just laid in bed stoning and going MEH to everything ".
Actually... I just intended to touch upon how low my self esteem hit today and the amazing number of FUCKS+FUCKYOUS that spiralled through my head. And how i mentally ran through the lists of extremelyfuckeduppeoplewhointurnfuckedmeupbecauseiusedtohaveapatheticwillpower that i have met. Well, it always takes two hands to clap. And how i feel as though i'm just sprawled on all fours munching the dust that got kicked behind. Could do with a hug now, especially one from the little tagged rascal who is currently on an 'adventure' hacking through the jungle with machetes ._. MEH. He'd better come back in one piece.
Good night, I'm gonna canoodle with some magazines and my notes. It's been a rough day.