I watched the notebook yesterday, it is a beautiful movie. It stirred up inexplicable emotions in me, i don't even have a word for what i felt, any train of thoughts that started just ended in shambles... Yet i was feeling so much i just reacted,and up till now i cant understand why. But maybe that one brief moment was just what i really needed, when every extrinsic aspect is thrown aside and things are stripped down to the very core. It felt good to stop thinking for once, i've been thinking too much, thinking too hard and i guess that's what's really been triggering my migraines.
They're getting worse, definitely. I've never had an attack while out of the comforts of my home, and it's one of the worse feelings i ever had. I hate the vulnerability of it, i hate being so exposed at such a weak moment, it irks me. I hate having to rely on anyone in anyway at all, maybe it's the insecurity of it, of not being able to hold my own, that scares me so much. That if i were to place that bit of myself in someone else's hands, i lose that bit more control of myself. The more i think of it, the more it makes perfect sense... Of how i deal with my emotions, how i deal with negativity... It's all so ... alone. I dont think i could ever forget that feeling of picking up the phone, trying to seek solace from the person i trusted most, only to be told to accept what was happening. Something could have been done, but nothing was, and there was nothing i could do, that day changed everything. I closed up. A slight refusal to taint relationships that i have by sharing my thoughts, of not getting the solace i seeked for. Everything when void of extrinsic expectations is just that bit closer to perfection, ease and comfort.
I don't want to have to live the rest of my life finding a facade of happiness by living up to the expectations of others. Because at the end of the day, we all are alone.
Sapoerna comforts me, and i finally know why, it's the scent. It's the exact same scent i so dearly adored but could barely find over the years, the same scent from a memory before it all started. I miss that, i miss me, i miss that distant time a decade more back.