Monday, October 18, 2010

paint it all the same shade


1. winter wonderland in singapore
2. taking the flipside
3. one of the most special moments in life

A couple of days back , a friend, slightly distraught asked me if i was going to paint them in all the same predictable shades. I was kinda dumbfounded for a while, and then being completely honest i said yes. And then i grew incredibly sad at such a realisation, because well, you never know when your bubble's going to burst until it's time is up and it pops. oh, yet another reason to fuel the burning cynicism.

That aside, i had a talk with my mum today, there were so many thoughts just about to roll off the tip of my tongue and so much emotion i wanted to just spew out, but from a harvest of past experiences, i stopped. At times, I wanted to explode, at times i wanted to burst out crying, at times i wanted to run off make a phone call for a hug, and mostly i just sat there with the thoughts circling about like vultures in my mind. There's just so much regret in whatever she says, i hate that. I hate regret, i hate people regretting so much, it scratches at me like an annoying splinter. I guess it's just me, once the time has passed i know it's not coming back, i can falter i can wail i can flail my hands in the hand in exasperation, at the consequences, at what i missed but just never regret for wanting to change anything. I think that ' everything happens for a reason' phrase has really been etched into me. i might sit and mope and complain and be a bum and do completely nothing to change , or not try hard enough to but i never think about changing the past.

And ya know, that part actually scares me, because i realise how much more human you are when you actually feel regret. It's like i'm so selective with putting my emotions into something now, I'd actually even go through the process of evaluating something's worthiness of my emotions. seriously, what the fuck? And to a certain point i get past a moment so fast just by psychoing myself to just fuck it all. It works, like a wonder, but sometimes when i'm lying on my bed about to slumber, it keeps me up all night when i flip through the thoughts.

Oh yes, and if there's another thing i hate, it's making trivality out of another person's problems.
Sometimes i really hate how hard it is for me to really really just pour everything out to someone, raw emotions and all... doing that on a blistering cold rainy day, and have that person just cuddle me, wipe off my icky tears and mucus, wrap me in a comforter together with a mug of hot chocolate, then kiss my red nose and tell me that it's all going to be alright. Instead, i now choose to be a rock. A stupid rock. BAAAAAH.

No comments:

Post a Comment