It's supposed to be a good morning, the night up till now has been cool enough for me to happily snuggle under my comforter. And there's no better way to wake me up in the morning than to do it with sweet, little accusations. How vile. How much it makes me want to smoke an entire pack whilst huddled under the blanket with my room door finally closed and a huge sign saying " FUCK OFF ".
It's moments like this that make me wonder " Why ask if you're not going to trust what the other person says ? " . Really, why ask? It's like the plaintiff wants to make you believe that you did wrong just to comfort himself that he got it right. There are days when everyone does try to pull off a lie, and when that happens , the thought that grows is SCREW OFF. But when it's about getting maligned, it's ugly. I think it's pretty hideous to wrong someone with so much gusto, what are you trying to do? Mindfuck me?
It's days like this these that make me feel so out of place from the brood. I know i stick out like a sore thumb, everything about me just doesn't fit in, it's like the stork delivered me to the wrong house. There are the good days when the whole place is bounding with affection making me feel so lucky to be part of this and there are the bad days like today. And the alright days which turn bad if i think hard enough because it's all a front, it's all comfort and I'm still the weirdo with a completely different frequency. I am one person who could never get use to animosity and that weirdass hot-then-cold attitude. DECIDE. Don't go all hard on me and moments later, bugged by your conscience because you think I'll break as easily as an eggshell, then decide to pull the soft think. Does. Not. Work.
I'm rambling about like a pathetic angsty teenager but oh fuck it, 7 more months and i hit the TWO-OH. Bloody fast. And checking back the dates, it's been about 3 weeks since that incident and it's still seared in my memory, livid. Disgusting. I have never felt so betrayed in 19 years than that one night, that was one foul experience. Foul enough to make me turn away from my religion. I still believe in god but no longer in religion. Every talk about religion, any idea of being attached to it more than i'd like just turns me off.
And then they ask me about change. This is life, this is living it, truely. Not everyone out there has their own brand of tarot cards reading into their next step so cautiously, they seem to be doing fine, so why cant we? I wont argue tho, just out of respect. But you can pull my body where but that doesn't mean my heart's going to be there.
I feel so much better just shooting that all out, phew.
It's going to be one long but interesting day ;)
Some pictures to cheer myself up
Yeeeeeah. I feel better already.