Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Do i love me?

I type this nursing eyes which have bravely weathered the pain of the past two days of infection. Good job babies.

I went to school for training today with swollen red tiny slits I call eyes and i actually din't mind. I would usually never be caught dead without makeup at all, strangely, in such an ugly state I actually felt less self conscious than i usually do. Which fires off an ironic paradox in my mind which I've yet to figure out. Soon, soon i will and i will be back.

I stared into the questioning eyes of Self-love again today. Much later from the whole dance incident, and was just repeatedly fired the same question , " Do I love me?". After years of playing tug-o-war with the two sides, I still have narry an answer. It annoys me.

Self-esteem issues are like known allergies. Sometimes the allergies affect you as much as a flick of a finger- some rash, some annoyance, some mild discomfort... Othertimes it hits you full blown, red angry bumps of hives, severe annoyance and painful discomfort... You know what blows them up so you avoid them, you teeter around those edges of safety precariously because you never know when you'd fall into that ugly hole. You never know when that unsuspecting hive-inducing peanut is going to spring into your mouth during dessert. You never know when it could hit you, despite all those precautions you take, despite how careful you are... And when it does it bothers you more, because you did try to keep your guard up...but it wouldn't go away.

Then it hurts sometimes and makes it harder to give a nod to the question when people say " I'm afraid to say anything. I don't know what might end up upsetting you. ". It's tantamount to a table of 10 cutting out their coveted order just because it had peanuts and you were allergic to it. It makes you feel bad. Yes you do appreciate their care, but it doesn't make you feel any better. You'd wish you were better. Better enough to not be such an inconvenience. You could be treading around those edges so carefully but just one little slip of accident and the whole world treats you like a seedling.

"Don't apologise. You can, for hurting me. But don't apologise for saying something if you mean it ". I have my times of falter, times when the wind passed is enough to be near breaking me. But I've yet to be.

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