I'm staring at the screen gonna do my APEL refections soon, so redundant. Then head out to haji to restock and have some quiet time alone. This mess and extreme lack of space at home is getting to me, probably my claustrophobic side working up. Very very annoyingly, my things have started to sprout legs again. It's always a no i never see, no i never touch, no i dint move anything....It is hair-tearing to have to spend time searching for something that you knew you left somewhere and POOF it's gone.
Anyway i was just flipping thoughts and in one motion of opening the door and seeing someone's change in attitude, i know i've definitely changed, alot. I used to be your everyday-yielding doormat to be walked all over and stomped upon on bad days, the doormat who was stupid enough to think that every fault laid with me.
But now i feel very much like a hedgehog. The immediate thought when anything doesnt feel right is a big fat FUCK blinking in red lights and in that instant moment every inch of negativity is just balled up. That is, until i start calming down and sieving through rationality and decide whether it's yesbad/nobad. It's like my first instinct is to protect myself first and at the end just be alright.
That said, I still clamp up and keep my thoughts as thoughts, to the right people anyway. Thank god for that.